After trying to make the relationship work through surprise gifts, unconditional effort, and irreplaceable time, sometimes things just aren’t really enough. The fights and quarrels from clashing personalities and different preferences are slowly leading to one fearful and hurtful scenario: splitting up.
Whether your relationship is only a year or a decade old, going through a breakup is still a difficult and challenging thing to do.
What happens next when you move out?
Where do you stay?
Will you still get to see your children?
How do you settle?
These questions will surely come to mind if breaking up is something that is about to happen.
If you ever find yourself in a relationship with a looming breakup, here are the important factors you need to think about and decide upon before it happens.
• Scout for places to stay and start anew
You and your partner are already living together, so it has to be decided: who gets the house? If you feel like it’s you who’s going to move out, start looking & planning for where you can go. Both for short term solutions or long-term solutions. If you leave the family home, make sure you report it IN WRITING VIA EMAIL to your landord or mortgage company. This is very important, read below for more info.
• Take care of your possessions whilst terms are still good
When relatonships break up, we often here of men having extreme difficulty getting their items or money back. Sadly, many women can create imagary scenarios, whereby somehow they now perceive your money as their money, or that your items are somehow their items. This is unnacceptable and is nothing short of theft. For this reason we recommend:
- When things are amicable, calmly arrange to get as much as possible out of her place and into your new place or your new storage. All your tools, PS4, small items, clothes, everything that is yours. This must be done before 'argument' stage.
- Make sure ALL your money is out of her accounts, DO NOT trust her with any of your money no matter how much you trust her. It only takes one small shift in how she perceives you, for her to believe that the money is now hers.
- Any contracts or debt which are hers but in your name, try to slowly & subtly move it all back into her name minimising your financial exposure and liabilities upon breakup.
• What about the children?
Separating ways is already hard. It’s on another level, however, if you have children. The custody of your kids must be your priority. Although laws often put primacy for the mother, this decision must still be decided under fair and justifiable terms.
Contact your legal counsel or your lawyer to immediately discuss the possibilities and the next steps you should take..
Steps you can take as an abused male
It is key to speak out to someone you trust and have a safe place to vent. This could be a trusted friend, family member or a domestic abuse helpline. You don't have to bear all of the burden on your own. Start talking and don't be ashamed. Although you do have to be careful and remember that friends and family, although they sometimes have good intentions, they may not always.
They are also not impartial and neither are they trained to be able to understand the complexities of what you are saying.
Sharing the details of any abuse is often the first step in creating some kind of liberation for you and you can build from there.
How to deal with an abusive female partner
The comments below may seem extreme, however they are most definitely not. What is written below, is the feedback and experiences we have received from many men. Despite being the one that's being abused, you may find the woman re-abuses you via the legal system. In this case, you are entering a 'legal battle' and in any war, you need to understand the enemy, it's strengths and know your own strengths, Sadly, it's a big game of chess, and planning each move and knowing where to move in advance, as oppose to retaliating and acting impulsively, is the difference between winning or losing the game. In your case - your children or your freedom.
In this game of chess, we often find women in the UK have a few more strong pieces at hand, therefore the below is written to help guide you through the minefield.
Always leave if possible. Have things in place so that you can escape easily. Plan in advance cheap hotels, or a friends house that you can stay at in an emergency. Consider whether you will call the police and what it will take to call the police. Where is your boundary? If there's a hypothetical 'fire' going on, you need to cut the 'oxygen' and avoid all confrontation or escalation. Certainly avoid giving her any evidence which can be used against you in the future.
Report you have left the property. If a time comes where you voluntarily leave your shared property, or she kicks you out, MAKE SURE you write an email to your landlord or mortgage company informing them you no longer live in the property. This can help prevent your ex claiming in the future that you haven't left and positioning you unfairly as someone who is still a threat to her home or that you owe her money. It also helps prevent her successfully getting an Occupation Order against you. Take that possibility away from her.
Never retaliate. The entire police system, family courts system, social services system is designed to prosecute and condemn men quickly and easily. Understand that the odds are against you from the start. Also understand that it is highly likely that your abusive partner may have spoken to domestic abuse helplines herself. She may be creating a scenario, whether it's true or not, to start building a case against you. They have established and proven 'trap' strategies which are used to prosecute and 'frame' men. Be very very careful, the lady you once knew, is most likely not the one you know now.
If you give the slightest display of aggression, this includes swearing in a text message (even if its a retaliation), the system will come down on you like a tonne of bricks. Watch every single word you type or say. The time has come for you to use your mind, not your mouth. Do not swear, do not show any jealousy or anger. Be very very careful. Also do not trust friends, particularly with written words - they may not be as loyal as you think and most likely will take her side and share what you've said.
Record all evidence. This is crucial. Somewhere safe, take detailed notes of each incident including verbal attacks against you or any displays or angry or controlling behaviour by your partner. Record days, times, locations, witnesses and the incident itself. Report all incidents to the police and get a copy of each police report. Keep a journal of all abuse with a clear record of dates, times, and any witnesses. If there are any physical injuries always take photographs and always go to the doctor and report it to them so it's in your notes. Use your phone to take pictures, recordings and messages. Make sure you screenshot and safely store the images of abuse somewhere safe away from your phone. Like a storage device that your partner cannot access.
Keep important documents out of the home. You may find yourself one day in a situation where your partner is trying to take your children, money and home. It is good practice to keep your passport, driving license, birth certificates, bank cards and any other important documents somewhere else other than at home.
Always remember the kids. At any stage, your partner can take your children and disappear and there is nothing you can do other than go through a lengthy court process. If your name is on the birth certificate as having 'parental responsibility', then it may be advantageous to use this to your own advantage. It may be a good idea to take the children somewhere safe, and then put the onus on the mother to proceed with court action. Doing this gives you more stability and ensures your kids are safe. In doing this, you should always be doing it in the best interests of the child NOT yourself. If you know that the child is happier and more stable with mum, then it wouldn't be fair to do this to the child. Always do what is best for the child, it will serve you going forward.